| a foot of snow |
[28 Jan 2009|01:33pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
] |
There is a foot of snow outside. Times like this make me really glad Im going to a tropical island this weekend.
Hopefully sleeping outdoors will help with my sinuses, It usually does. I think alot of the problem with my breathing/throat/sinuses comes from sleeping in a mold infested basement.
Last time I went camping for a month I was able to breathe great.
Man Im so hyped....Im going to have to bring sleeping pills just to sleep on the plane.
In the meantime Im trying to use up my leftovers...it sucks, but its fun at the same time.
I derive a certain sense of accomplishment from finishing off the things that have been sitting around the fridge and pantry for the past few months.
I had pad thai earlier and it looks like Ill be having tadka dal later, perhaps a salad in the meantime.
After that just about all Ill have left is brown rice, collard greens, black beans, okra and more lentils.
Im getting really tired...I think its this medicine I just had.
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| Im gonna lie my ass off on my next resume |
[21 Jan 2009|01:51am] |
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mood |
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 cranky |
] |
Ive been talking to my friends who make 60-100,000 a year and all of them have one thing in common: they lied on their resumes.
These guys dont have a college education and were working for 6.50 an hour before they starte lieing on their resumes and now they make BANK. Its all a con(fidence) game.
Im tired of being poor. If they can do it I can do it. So what if the first few dont give me a job? One eventually will! Ill just count on the one guy that doesnt check references.
These guys tell me the corporate high paying jobs are waaaay easier than busting your ass for minimum wage. Most of them just sit around on a computer all day, something I do recreationally! Other than that they make calls and travel.
As soon as I get back from Peru Im getting a career. Fuck a dead end job.
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| Back from the dead |
[19 Jan 2009|01:55pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
] |
Ive come back from the dead and Im not quite as KrAzY as I was last year.
Stop in and say hello if youd like! I dont bite (hard).
Also, Im not a stoner anymore but Im still lazy. I dont write as eloquently as I used to but I also used to try too hard.
My plans for this year involve going to Hawaii next month and then Peru when I return.
I have this very strange sleep schedule. I often stay awake for 24-48 hours and then I sleep for about 12-18. Sometimes I feel deadtired but as soon as my head hits the pillow my mind starts raceing and I cant sleep! A friend suggested chamomile/catnip tea but all it did was make me pee and I cant sleep unless my bladder is empty.
I quit drinking and smokeing cigarettes on New Years and I havent gotten drunk or smoked one cigarette since then. I feel proud of myself but I dont want to get so cocky that I slip back into it without noticing.
I dont really like how I am when Im drunk...I feel so ashamed of the things I do that it makes me want to get drunk again. This time I just faced the shame and said "it is what it is...good thing I wont be around those people anymore"
I think Ill revert back to this journal for a little while. I kinda feel like there are too many people reading my other one. Whenever too many people read it I switch back to an old one or make a new one. I have 4 livejournals now. I think Ill alternate between them to keep things interesting. Kinda strange I know, but hey, its fun.
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| spawnbags |
[03 May 2008|04:23am] |
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mood |
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bored |
] |
As a society, we are victims of mind control and brainwashing on a daily basis. At one point I had broken free, only to return to it's grips! They will go out of their way to make you feel inferior, make you "buy in" to the system. Make you "contribute" to their machine, their "society". We are as sheep being lead to the slaughter! There is false information in the books, theyve rewritten history. The news anchors are acting as hypnotists. There are drugs in the water. They do not want -you- to know the truth. Its easy though, because as Ive said the truth is hiding in the light. Im beginning to quite thoroughly free myself again. The drugs, the alcohol, the television, the books, the programmers, I will break free once more. He who holds the media is the true programmer. They dont call them programs for nothing. Some of em are worse than others. Some eastern mystics require only the sun for energy. I am returning to yoga, meditation, and astral travel. I will try to return to lucid dreaming again. All of these things come easy once you get the hang of it. Our bodies are vessels of alchemy in which we must place the right ingredients. I cant believe I almost sold my soul. If we lose our soul's we lose everything. We must break free of material posession. They call it "posession" for a reson. DONT BE WHO THE MEDIA WANTS YOU TO BE> THey want you to be a STEREOTYPE> they want you to be a STATISTIC and its SICK its SADISTIC. Be yourself, and mroe importantly, be TRUE to yourself. I love you. I will not get heated and angry at you, and if I do its of my false ego, so forgive me, and I shall forgive you. But as I was saying, there are good things and bad things to put in your body; bad are the dead animals, the alcohol, the manmade chemicals, the mind altering chemicals. Good are the keys to the universe, the fruits and nuts fallen from the tree, the absorption of the sun and the love. ALL ILLNESS IS RESULT OF THE CURRENTS OF NEGATIVE ENERGY. you read that right, ALL ILLNESS AND PAIN AND SUFFERING IS THE RESULT OF THE CURRENTS OF NEGATIVE ENERGY> If we can send POSITIVE vibes and POSITIVE ENERGY< we can change the currents of the world and HEAL the sick, we can heal ourselves, we can heal the world with LOVE so long as we BELIEVE IN IT. Believing in it is KEY. Throw out your televisions, burn your books, flush your pills down the toilet, pour your booze into the gutter and for the love of god SET YOURSELF FREE. Dont believe me on false grounds TRY IT FOR YOURSELF. Please, because I love you and I WANT TO SEE YOU SUCCEED. You are dear to me, you are my children. Set yourselve free. DONT BE AS ANIMALS LEAD TO THE SLAUGHTER. Thats what they do, they tag you, they keep tabs on you, and when theyve IMPLODED YOU WITH NEGATIVE ENERGY THEY STRIKE> WE become as the scarred potato, the disease is from negative energy currents, you can even see the ripples in things as they are waves of currents. Even the music serves to brainwash us.
More on my belief system:
I consider myself a shamanic pagan taoist. I believe strongly in karma, I also believe in reincarnation, and the fact that you can reach a nirvana/heaven if you reach enlightenment/sainthood, otherwise you just get reincarnated again because of earthly attachments. I believe this world is a beta test upon which your next life will be constructed. I also believe that the earth is spiraling towards the sun over a course of eons. Once it moves close enough all the water will evaporate and it will turn into a venus like place, then it will turn into a mercury like place when it gets closer and finally it will spiral into the sun. If you NEVER overcome your earthly attachments you will become as a ghost and become trapped on this rock until it spirals into the hell that is the inferno of the sun. At the point where all these celestial spirals collide are the black holes, and once they take in enough matter they become suns or planets depending on their situation, ones that travel along the spirals will attach to the ends of solar systems, ones that stay there will become their own solar systems. The creators basically decided "hey lets create the same ball of clay over and over to see how many outcomes there are" BASICALLY everythi you can possibly fathom as happening HAS HAPPENED AND IS HAPPENING, somewhere in the infinite universe, kinda like the if you have an infinite amount of chimps on infinite typerwriters one will write a shakespear play. This means that every fiction work or thought or dream you have is absolutely real. There is a certain race of what we call "aliens" or "angels" that are the brotherhood of light, they made jump points on every planet,that you can even find on mars and the moon in the form of pyramids(similar to the egyptian ones). Their vessels are built like gyroscopic discs that travel along these spirals and through blackholes to reach anypoint in the universe. They are beings of pure light. TO be ascended is to be taken up by one of them.
There is a cosmic consciousness, a universal subconscious that links us all. WE are all like different fingers on the same hand. Carl Jung was one of the pioneers who wrote about it. Basically through intense meditation we can tap to all the wisdom of the universe, past present and future alike. With every choice we make we are shifted into another dimension and another may be created. Energy may be created and destroyed all the time.
To reach heaven is to be born again outside the reach of space and time.
Space and time were created to grow larvae, because you cant grow larvae outside of space and time.
Also if you add up all the universe, solid, liquid, gas and take into account the gravity of the cosmos, and justhe way things spiral against eachother ITS ALL VISCOUS GOO. This goo is food for the larvae, if we move with the goo we can do anything, following its current, its flow, its tao, its chi, whatever you call it. Tai-chi is the pushing and pulling of this goo.
All sound is just bubbling in that viscous goo. WE NEVER LEFT THE PRIMORDIAL OOZE. We are tiny bits of carbon, we ARE pollution, we are the creators toxic waste -and- drug of choice. There is in the end no truly good nor bad, though where we go is dependant on it, neither wins really in the end, its a delicate balance. THe whole setup was created for life to happen in many places concurrently. Once you get past all the illusions, forced delusions, brainwashing, etc, you finally get clued into what all the prophets were talking about. There truely is an unstoppable flow and to go against it is surely death. Do what thou wilt.
There also exists an aetherrealm where our supersoul lives. WE can take on our supersoul at anytime and that is when we get linked to all the knowledge of the universe and its various dimensions past present and future.
People call the collective unconsciousness "god" because collective cosmic consciousness seems too cold and impersonal.
I think we should strive for enlightenment/saintlihood (which we will reach if our soul is complete); however, if we cant obtain that(and have an incomplete soul, needing another half) we should seek true love. Should we find enlightenment/sainthood we will reach the nirvana/heaven; however, should we find true love we shall become a complete soul in the next life and then be capable of reaching the enlightenment level.
In all things strive for goodness.
Once you find personal truth you cant go back to being a sheep of blind faith, no matter how hard you try or pretend. You can still be a shepherd of the blind though, and if you really strive you can be one to spread the light and one to allow others to see.
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[26 May 2003|11:52pm] |
This weekend was dreadfully mundane...but I needed the vacation from people. I barely ever left the house. Let's see...I spent alot of time inside playing video games(Shenmue 2)and...3-4 people asked me to do stuff, but I turned them down...I claim that Im bored, yet I never seem to want to do anything anymore. Odd. Read some Nietzsche.."Beyond good and evil"...watched a movie.."Trainspotting. This weekend was basically just boring. Cody said he would have my money on Sunday, but I never really got ahold of him, so he probably doesnt have it anymore. That guy still owes me eighty bucks.
I dont know why...but when anyone is nice to me...it frightens me...and I tend to withdrawal. In romance, in friends, in family, everywhere. When people get too close I back away. It's why I dont like being around my family, why I tend not to keep friends closely for over a year, and why I never have a girlfriend for more than a few weeks.
Ive noticed the thing I have the strongest interest in of all things. I never noticed this before...but I love decay. I love the way a car's tire pressure goes down...I love the way clothes get tattered and torn with wear and wash...and I love the way metal rusts. Ive always had a love for this subconsciously, but never really noticed it until now.
I wrote in the past about my thoughts on the evolutionary meaning of paraphilias, and now to continue in that seed I will write my thoughts on the evolutionary meaning of blindness. Like paraphilias, blindness helps act as a barrier to help make sure that the best of the species mates with the best of the species. For instance, a man who cannot see well(obviousley a gene fault), will more likely be attracted to an aesthetically unappealing female(who would have difficulty getting a mate otherwise). This isnt so much to get the best of the best together, but to put the inferior with the inferior so they dont cause disruption with the prime gene lines.
I read an old notebook of mine, and I can honestly say I hate the person I used to be three years ago.
It bothers me when people use too many words in place of solid facts. It makes them sound pretentious and it's cheap. However, it's what I commonly do on essay tests, and it is known to work upon occasion.
Meh...I dont feel like ranting today....Im spent.
I hate attention and I hate people...Im a hate-filled person. Fuck off and leave me be.
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[04 May 2003|10:38pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
] |
Yesterday I attended a few shindigs, none of which proved as pleasurable as they might have been. Despite all of the malignant occurences (myriad in number), Ive managed to make do.
If anyone should feel hated by me, its not that I hate you in particular, its that I hate society and all of it's members.
By nature, I prefer to be alone...its no wonder that I drive off into nowhere or sit for hours in my dwelling(if no others are in occupation at the time). To simply put it, I just dont enjoy the company of people that much...I only see in them what I hate, and that hate tends to engulf all positive attributes.
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[02 May 2003|11:21pm] |
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mood |
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 scared |
] |
SHE has foiled my plans for the last time. Definitely one of their servants.
I am a rogue ex-messenger of the heavens...I figured out exactly -what- they were trying to do...it is my job to inform.
My days as a nihilist are over...I must inform those who seek knowledge about the conspiracy behind it all.
The establishment of many members is just a cover up...a cover up extending all the way to the heavens, to hide what is genuine.
I begin to fear that my day's are numbered...any moment could be perhaps my final glimpse at the neon night society has so sought to surround me with.
I can no longer view any solid colors...it is all plagued with greens, purples, blues, reds and all the other hues of the rainbow.
Long ago I terminated my position of keeper of peace and conspiracy.
Now I terminate my position as creator of chaos and upheaval.
I will work now for enlightenment...to seek the true truth.
These tattered wings symbolic of the fall from the ministry.
This body proof of false findings in a past existence on this plain.
I fear that if Im found out my fight will find false finality.
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[27 Apr 2003|10:55pm] |
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mood |
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sick |
] |
Im sick...but I feel like Im tripping, slipping.
Perhaps I am the one with the key to all...perhaps my seretonin levels are just too high. If ive lived my life in insanity, do I want to feel sanity? It would just ruin my whole world.
I've watched them make out for two whole days. I dont hate him, I dont like her, Im not jealous of either. It just reconfirms me of my loneliness as well as leaves me bored and empty.
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[23 Apr 2003|11:46pm] |
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mood |
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blank |
] |
Away with pain in glassy eyed gaze.
Today followed set standard schedule.
Perpetual numb. I wandered a nomad in grey vestments.
Slow stride subside.
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[20 Apr 2003|01:34am] |
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mood |
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 weird |
] |
All month Ive felt very dettached...from everything...my extremities feel so very distant from my core.
Probably more deistic than percieved...perhaps it was created, but then left and never altered after, only to spiral to it's own demise.
soil yourself and pin me to the floor
heald in your crude bondage
forgotten flesh
coerse me
your sick ways entice me so
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| ... |
[19 Apr 2003|07:55pm] |
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mood |
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infuriated |
] |
It frustrates me that no matter how much I put behind my words, most people only take them at face value and never look any deeper than that. And so I word it simply in order to reach my target audience.
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| Razor Burn in the City of Perpetual Rain |
[17 Apr 2003|12:02am] |
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mood |
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tired |
] |
I am trapped amongst those rotting, filthy trash bags, and forced to be their saviour. Well, Not forced so much as destined. Cleanliness has seemed to have replaced my desire for food...instead of looking forward to lunch and dinner as I used to, I look forwards to the next oppurtunity I have to shower or brush my teeth. I suppose its almost become an addiction, the ammount of times I clean myself in a day.
Anyway, I headed out to an area I like to call the city of perpetual rain...it seems that every time I enter this area it commences to rain, which almost puts me at peace, even though Im surrounded by the chaos of carbon and cars. I made claim on indulgence simply for a chance to journey to this location. It's daily vestige ruined in puddles.
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| Boring rant all in the spirit of human nature. |
[13 Apr 2003|11:50pm] |
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mood |
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irritated |
] |
YES, I believe Ive found the key to everything.
YES, Ive found the final truth.
Alas though, I will sink into human indulgence by talking about very petty little things.
First of all, the bitch struck again, the one from photography class, who spilled developer on me, stole my cardboard, and pointed me towards the wrong print cleaning pads. This time it was my seat...a seat she saw me sit in...I sat in that seat...I got up for 2 minutes and she stole it. I mumbled "damn you...you stole my seat...there will be an axe in your back someday", and she was like "oh sorry, were you sitting here?" in an overly-pleasent voice. I cant stand those who hate but act nice nonetheless. My camera broke today...not very happy about that either.
Anyway, I saw one of those females I am so fixated on. She's smiled at me a few times, does alot, but I never really talk to her at all. Overheard her once say she liked "punk-goth" guys with itallian noses. Though I dont classify myself, a laymen would say something like that to describe me. AS for the Itallian nose, yeah, Im not denying that either. Also we have many common interests such as psychology, anime, etc. I think its safe to say Im her type and she's my type. Only problem is she has a boyfriend who calls her ugly names, and for some reason she just takes it and stays with him.
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[13 Apr 2003|11:42pm] |
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mood |
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 satisfied |
] |
I have quite possibly found the answer to everything. Existance, truth, the universe, life cycle. It was all here in plain sight, free from all obstruction.
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[27 Mar 2003|04:36pm] |
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I wish they would all fucking drop dead.
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| I still hate people |
[26 Mar 2003|04:37pm] |
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mood |
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pissed off |
] |
Well first of all, that bitch from photography who stole my piece of perfect board (so I had to remake the damn thing, a process of DAYS) has proven to still piss me off. Today I got my proof sheet and I had ONE perfect picture...and since I didnt want to mess it up, I was going to scrub it clean...I asked the girl where the scrubbers were, she pointed me to a box, I opened the box and pulled out a different feeling tissue than before...but I shrugged it off. Turns out the thing was too rough, and scraped up and ruined my picture. I have to make a whole damn still-life...AGAIN. God she WILL find an axe in her back someday. I want to atleast get rid of that stupid smile she always has on her face...fuckin hate her.
Later, either Max or paul (think it was Max) stole the Eclipse gum from my car. I had no gum...I was gotten in trouble for my breath smelling like smoke...damn max....he is hearby expelled from my car for the week after spring break, AND owes me a new pack of gum.
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[25 Mar 2003|08:23pm] |
Pointless is going out JUST TO BUY a frozen pizza. If you are going out to get pizza...dont get frozen pizza...frozen pizza is for conveniance when you are already shopping...or when you find it in the freezer, to quote my brother "Its already there". Going out just to buy frozen pizza completely destroys the purpose of it.
Today I wandered around and looked at all the rotting bags of trash.
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| meh |
[24 Mar 2003|04:09pm] |
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mood |
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bored |
] |
The sexy, stupid redhead had a cute haircut today. She cropped it and curled up the edges, but its very cute on her. Anyway...I wrote random poetry during boring portions of the day, here goes;
"Crash Against Nature"
It's Stopped
Do I want to?
Now that it has forsaken me
but only in this light
Light that blinds and binds
Petty creatures of the day
Turn the wheel
What you do best
Release me of pain
and allow me to rest
"untitled 1"
Born of Red light
Cresfallen in end
Soar to a new height
fear is to descend
Captures glow in death
Shrieking in final breath
"Lady in Green"
Tall and slendder as the morrow's wake
Calm and Mellow
Long to Bake
She moves smooth as wing
through organic tubes,
wears away the lubes
"White and pink"
White and pink
Fake plastic crab
Eating up life
ending it in drab
white and pink
colours I dread
wish I could destroy
Satisfy my red
"screaming in tape"
Diseased and tortured
ridden with plague
black blue and dead
give way to pink and green
after over years
given to that wall
emptiness it's stigmata
Screaming loud
Taped to the floor
"split water"
blue and green
foam of desire
other side churns
purple it's fire
Other poems I wrote but dont feel like posting right now; "Cookie Cutter Complex" and "Pork Face"...I might post them later...they are longer ones.
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vashtheimpaler's journal
depressed